We always wish there was such a thing as altruism. Or to just give without expecting anything in return. Because we were brought up to believe that we should love unconditionally, give willingly and be selfless. Or we read enough books or watched enough movies filled with Life’s romantic notions to make us think that it ought to be the way.
But really, which of us can confess that we have never loved while wanting the other to love back and give while thinking the other would return? The side of me that wants to preserve my self-esteem of me being a loyal and faithful person wishes I could love unconditionally and give willingly. That I had the energy to continue maintaining contact, continue finding opportunities, continue arranging occasions despite the obvious constructed obstacles. The day will arise, it will come.
Yes, it will come. It comes when there’s a will for it to happen. You take the time, even when there really isn’t much to take from. You create the opportunities, even if it means you forgo some others. You make it happen, because you want it to.
Because you want it to. And you have every right to decide what you want and don’t. There you have it, the real reason, isn’t it?
Some say it’s idealistic. Some call it naivety. Some term it “reading too much into things”. Think about it though. Is it?
There’s being unable to make things happen. And then there’s being unwilling to make things happen. And no one can blame you if you ever pick the latter. Because you have every right to decide what you want and don’t. No one should tell you what you should want, because that’s just plain bizarre.
So really, it’s alright. I’m doing it too. We fight real hard for the things we want and make sure that, even if it takes forever (or what seems like forever), it happens. And the things that we can do without, well, when pressed for time and not having much for extravagance, we forgo. Because putting in effort isn’t easy, it just doesn’t make sense for us to waste it.
We don’t invest in things that don’t bring returns. We shouldn’t, and we wouldn’t want to. And even though it’d be nice to think that we could love unconditionally and give willingly, the truth is, we just aren’t strong enough to do that. At least I’m not. It’s consoling when we want and feel wanted. It’s comforting when we miss and are missed. It gives us energy to push on through the oncoming obstacles (and there will always be obstacles) when we get the occasional pat on the back. It’s called appreciation.
I wish I were more altruistic. But this funny thing called Reciprocity. It doesn’t allow me to.