These few weeks have been, challenging.
Actually, these few months.
It’s like graduation from university = growing up, fast forward x 10. One day, you’re in school, planning what courses to take, which co-curricular activity to join, where to hang out with friends for lunch/dinner/supper, and the next, you’re looking for jobs, pressed for time, making life-changing decisions.
It’s really, exhausting.
Sometimes, I find myself thinking, “Heck this. I’m young, I’ve got time, let’s do things now. Or never.”
Unfortunately, I’ve got too stable & steady a head on my shoulders to do that. I worry about my parents, I worry about myself, I worry about my animals. I worry about Life. I don’t want to have no plans, I don’t want to have haphazard ones. I’m actually a happier person when I know the general direction I’m headed in.
For a while, I thought, “I’ll give this a try. I’ll take a year off, or two, and just explore what might be. What could be. Live a little, be adventurous, do what your heart fancies, whenever it fancies.” That idea was truly alluring, for a very long while. For a while, albeit a short while, I put myself out there and tried. That while also turned out to be one of the more torturous (if I can even call it torturous, considering how fortunate & blessed I am) times I’ve ever experienced. Conflict, contradiction, confusion, angst, general frustration.
This year was exceptionally life-changing. Actually, the life-change began some time round Christmas 2010. I’ve really “changed” and “grown”, is what I hear from some. After learning more about myself, finding out more about what I like & don’t, what I can tolerate and what I can’t stand, I let go. And it felt rather, invigorating.
I cleaned out the people I didn’t need/want, I looked over the things that didn’t really matter. I chose stability. And I loved it.
Then this June happened. The whirlwind, the flexibility, the freedom to do what I fancy while still on a safe trial period.
I didn’t like it. I still don’t. And I’m grateful for that.
Because now, I’ve learnt a little more about myself. What I like, what I don’t, what I can tolerate, and what I absolutely abhor (that’s a strong word, isn’t it).
I have the chance to extend this discovery, flexibility and entertainment. But I don’t need/want it. I choose stability, not because I’m not adventurous or risk-averse. I choose it because I know myself well.
Adventure and novelty may thrill the senses quite a bit, but in the end, what we really need, what really keeps us going, I dare say, is knowing that there’s something/someone waiting for us.
While new things/people/events/activities excite me, they tire me at the same time, having to constantly maintain fronts and keep up appearances. How many of these things that we pride ourselves on having/experiencing actually add to our lives, beyond that fleeting moment when we feel better about ourselves?
Adventures are great, but not all the time, please. I want stability, security and the confidence that I know where I’m headed.
Call me boring, but at least I’m not muddling my way through each day, not knowing what the next is going to be like.
And I’m a happier person because.